Tug-of-war

I wish my parents would see me for what I am...

...instead of what I didn't become.

I can't stand how I constantly have to say or not say certain things to keep my mother from being disappointed in me. As for my father, I know he's proud of me to some extent, but in his eyes, I know as his daughter that he wishes I was more. He says things that seem as if to deter his denial somewhat - things that he's proud of me for, yet the tone is just...well, lingering I guess...sad almost. Even though I'm pretty much as stable as I can ever be (at least for awhile), they won't ever see me for what I am or still can be.

I'm still so young. I know I can accomplish anything if I simply put my mind to it. Right now, my mind is on tending to my family. Does that make me suddenly a dead-end wannabe career woman? I think not. I believe it's more so caring, responsible, and attentive. I recently read an article that just because a mother is focused on baby this and marriage that, it doesn't mean we're closed off to the outside world. Balance between caring for your family and awareness of our outside world and surroundings is of utmost importance. Otherwise, you will be the not-with-the-program mama us mothers fear we will be. Maybe society expects too much of our knowledge, but there's no doubt in my mind that this movement of strong-willed, career woman who choose to stay at home with their kids will eventually be the societal norm, and that non-family-oriented people will eventually (probably by evolution?) accept mothers as child-rearing intellectuals, not unworldly, uninformed, non-goal-oriented, among other terrible things.

This might all sound unfamiliar and insignificant if you're not a mother or friends with one here or there. I have maintained my sanity by relating with other mothers both working and non-working, even if it means turning to my own mama (the last resort). Being around the workforce 24/7 takes it toll on mothers of young children. And I must say, it has defnitely taken it's tug-of-war toll on me.

With a growing family in mind, I must strongly consider what I can become as a mother. I don't want to face reality too late - when I suddenly realize I can do something I really want but don't have the experience or education to do it when the kids are older. SO, the decision comes down to...stay at home and go back to school OR stay in the workforce even with more kids and maintain my sanity. Like many mamas, although I love them to pieces, I simply would go nuts if I have to be with the kiddos all the time. Besides, I like to be a busy body with my own money to spend. Going to school means not having my own income as well as spending whatever savings I have, pulling out more loans, and mooching off my hubby (who I must then kiss up to for new shoes).

Hm, it seems as if I really don't like the no self-income idea..hahaha. Blah. But then, being in healthcare, unfortunately for upward movement, you got no choice - it's gotta be more education or bust! So it all comes down to...

Getting back in study mode for those damn entrance exams...possible, no? We shall see how long just that step will take. =P

So maybe...

...my parents just might, might be a tad proud of me then.

We shall see how long just that step could take, if that step is ever taken. Shoot, why do I even bother to make them change when I know deep down they never will? Sighs.

Here's one for the road. Happy 11 months to Prestonator!!