Tug-of-war

I wish my parents would see me for what I am...

...instead of what I didn't become.

I can't stand how I constantly have to say or not say certain things to keep my mother from being disappointed in me. As for my father, I know he's proud of me to some extent, but in his eyes, I know as his daughter that he wishes I was more. He says things that seem as if to deter his denial somewhat - things that he's proud of me for, yet the tone is just...well, lingering I guess...sad almost. Even though I'm pretty much as stable as I can ever be (at least for awhile), they won't ever see me for what I am or still can be.

I'm still so young. I know I can accomplish anything if I simply put my mind to it. Right now, my mind is on tending to my family. Does that make me suddenly a dead-end wannabe career woman? I think not. I believe it's more so caring, responsible, and attentive. I recently read an article that just because a mother is focused on baby this and marriage that, it doesn't mean we're closed off to the outside world. Balance between caring for your family and awareness of our outside world and surroundings is of utmost importance. Otherwise, you will be the not-with-the-program mama us mothers fear we will be. Maybe society expects too much of our knowledge, but there's no doubt in my mind that this movement of strong-willed, career woman who choose to stay at home with their kids will eventually be the societal norm, and that non-family-oriented people will eventually (probably by evolution?) accept mothers as child-rearing intellectuals, not unworldly, uninformed, non-goal-oriented, among other terrible things.

This might all sound unfamiliar and insignificant if you're not a mother or friends with one here or there. I have maintained my sanity by relating with other mothers both working and non-working, even if it means turning to my own mama (the last resort). Being around the workforce 24/7 takes it toll on mothers of young children. And I must say, it has defnitely taken it's tug-of-war toll on me.

With a growing family in mind, I must strongly consider what I can become as a mother. I don't want to face reality too late - when I suddenly realize I can do something I really want but don't have the experience or education to do it when the kids are older. SO, the decision comes down to...stay at home and go back to school OR stay in the workforce even with more kids and maintain my sanity. Like many mamas, although I love them to pieces, I simply would go nuts if I have to be with the kiddos all the time. Besides, I like to be a busy body with my own money to spend. Going to school means not having my own income as well as spending whatever savings I have, pulling out more loans, and mooching off my hubby (who I must then kiss up to for new shoes).

Hm, it seems as if I really don't like the no self-income idea..hahaha. Blah. But then, being in healthcare, unfortunately for upward movement, you got no choice - it's gotta be more education or bust! So it all comes down to...

Getting back in study mode for those damn entrance exams...possible, no? We shall see how long just that step will take. =P

So maybe...

...my parents just might, might be a tad proud of me then.

We shall see how long just that step could take, if that step is ever taken. Shoot, why do I even bother to make them change when I know deep down they never will? Sighs.

Here's one for the road. Happy 11 months to Prestonator!!

Mamadom Rant

I don't think I can give up blogging even if many people I know have - due in part (or in most) to not getting as many comments or none at all. Blogging is to share with the world a glimpse of your life; mind you, there is a part of the world you don't want to glimpse into your life, but that's unavoidable. I simply love going back to old entries for that hint of nostalgia and be ever so glad that I wrote anything, even if it wasn't that great.

From a parent to a non-parent (whether you don't have kids or it's been awhile since you had kids or you just don't "get it" when you do have kids):

I. Please do not give unsolicited advice. All parents are different. If anything, I'll ask if I want advice - and this is a general understanding among modern parents. You're not bad parents if you do things differently.

Try this: Find a couple who are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, teething, table manners, and overall behavior.
6. Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will dare believe you have all the baby solutions yourself.

II. If there is a need or an invitation to leave the house, I can't just drop everything and leave. Leaving the house is extremely different now.

Try this:

1. Take a 15-lb bag of dirt that smells funky and has flailing arms. Dress it successfully. Get yourself ready. Get his bag ready. Make sure he has his bottles, toys, snacks, and diapers in the bag. Get your things ready - jacket, wallet/purse, keys, phone, shoes.
2. Sit on the floor playing with him for half an hour because he got upset and started wailing because you had to ignore him while you got his things and yourself ready.
3. Go out the door with carseat and your stuff to put in car. Come in to get him. Go out, put him in carseat. Come back in to get other things forgotten. Go out again.
4. Spend a split second to make sure you got everything.
5. Actually back out of the driveway successfully ... until you realize you forgot your wallet.

III. You know how they say stay-at-home moms are considered to have two full-time jobs? Well, do the math!

Typical schedule (when I was on maternity leave and now after work and on weekends):

1. Feeding: prep food, attempt to feed, feed, attempt to feed more, watch food fly, finish feeding, clean up high chair/floor/face of baby/your face/baby clothes/your clothes/dishes - oh yeah, add in formula, juice and snacks.
2. Changing: diapers 4-5 times/day, clothes throughout the day (try putting clothes on an octopus that doesn't stop moving), bathe (refer to octopus), add in times when the kids like to drop off kids that come out of the diaper
3. Sleep: Bedtime routine, which takes anywhere from five minutes to an hour some days. Add in naps. Keep in mind, they absolutely love to fight sleep.
4. Let's not forget adding in taking care of other necessities - cook, clean, and laundry 24/7.

Sigh. In all its chaotic glory, mamahood does make me feel complete somehow - and I never thought it would. It doesn't suddenly fall into your lap when you pop the boogers out. It's not magic and stars and a big boom or anything spectacular when they plop him in your arms screaming and wonderful. It's gradual. And it all comes together. Then, miraculously, life before kiddos was a mere fleeting moment. I just don't appreciate how people without kids can't appreciate it and especially those who have kids can't handle it. As they all say, you don't understand being a parent at all until you have your own kids. And that's fine if you choose not to have kids - at least you realize the dedication and sacrifice it takes.

I've embraced my choice to go back to work. Work makes me feel connected to reality. I feel that if I stay home, my whole reality is inside the walls of my home - but the trade off is I'll never have to worry about my baby. So lately, I'm beginning to rethink my decision. Mothers are constantly torn between whether they should work or stay home.

None of my friends (at least my close ones) have babies - so it's tough to relate to anyone who can truly understand. Discussing mothering issues with my own mother doesn't exactly turn into a mind-blowing, educational experience. I always end up saying "Well, of course I know you've had experience, Mother."

Again, sigh. Decisions, decisions.

*Last two photos courtesy of n0smoking.